Hey mama,

It’s 5:47 PM on a Tuesday. I’m standing in my kitchen, staring at the remnants of what was supposed to be a “simple” dinner. My twins are arguing over who gets the blue cup (there are literally four identical blue cups on the counter). My oldest two are also fighting about who is doing better at school.

I can feel that familiar tightness in my chest. The one that says “you should be handling this better.” The one that whispers “other moms have it figured out.”

But here’s what I want to tell you - what I wish someone had told me years ago when I was drowning in postpartum anxiety and mom rage: this IS real motherhood. The mess, the overwhelm, the moments when you love your kids fiercely but honestly don’t like your life very much.

And we need to talk about it.

The Instagram Lie We’re All Living

Let’s get real for a minute. Social media has sold us a version of motherhood that’s about as authentic as a reality TV show. You know the posts - perfectly styled nurseries, kids eating homemade organic meals without a single crumb on the floor, moms who apparently wake up with good hair and patience for days.

But real motherhood? Real motherhood is finding Goldfish crackers in your bra. It’s crying in your car after drop-off because you yelled again. It’s googling “is it normal to feel angry at my kids” at 2 AM because you’re too ashamed to ask anyone out loud.

Real motherhood is messy, complicated, and nothing like what we expected.

Free self-care workbook for overwhelmed mothers featuring practical strategies for managing real motherhood stress and finding balance in chaos

The Messy Truths We Don’t Talk About

Truth #1: You Can Love Your Kids and Hate Your Life at the Same Time

This one hits hard because we’re not supposed to say it out loud. But mama, you can absolutely adore your children AND feel completely trapped by your life. You can be grateful for your family AND grieve the person you used to be.

As a behavior analyst, I understand that humans are capable of holding conflicting emotions simultaneously. But in motherhood, we’ve been taught that admitting we’re struggling means we don’t love our kids enough.

That’s garbage.

Truth #2: The Mental Load is Real and It’s Exhausting

You know that thing where you’re the family’s personal assistant, event coordinator, medical scheduler, food planner, and emotional support system all rolled into one? That’s called the mental load, and it’s why you feel tired even when you’ve been sitting down.

Real motherhood means being the one who remembers that your daughter needs new shoes, your son has a project due Friday, the dog needs shots, and you’re out of milk. It means making 47 decisions before breakfast and feeling completely drained by noon.

One of my clients described it perfectly during a session: “I feel like I’m the manager of everyone else’s life, but nobody manages mine. I know when everyone’s dentist appointments are, what snacks each kid likes, and which teacher sends homework reminders. But ask me what I want for dinner or when I last did something just for me? I have no idea. I’m completely empty.”

Truth #3: Mom Rage is More Common Than Anyone Admits

Soooo many moms experience anger / frustration / rage. Yet we act like it’s some shameful secret that makes us bad mothers.

I’ve been there - that moment when the overwhelm builds and builds until you’re screaming at your kids over something tiny, then immediately drowning in guilt. With four kids, including twins, I’ve had my share of moments where I didn’t recognize the person I’d become.

But here’s what I want you to know: mom rage isn’t a character flaw. It’s often our nervous system’s response to chronic overwhelm, sleep deprivation, and the impossible standards we’re trying to meet.

Truth #4: You Will Lose Yourself (And That’s Okay)

Remember who you were before kids? Yeah, she’s gone. And that’s actually normal, even though it feels devastating.

Real motherhood involves a complete identity shift that no one really prepares you for. You’re not just adding “mom” to your list of roles - you’re fundamentally changing who you are. And the person you’re becoming? She’s still figuring herself out.

I went from being a confident professional to questioning every parenting decision I made. From having my own interests and hobbies to not even remembering what I used to enjoy. It felt like losing myself completely.

But here’s what I’ve learned: you’re not losing yourself. You’re becoming a different version of yourself. And that new version? She’s stronger than you think.

Truth #5: Perfect Mothers Don’t Exist (But We Keep Trying to Be Them)

We’re competing with a standard that literally doesn’t exist. The “perfect mother” is a myth created by a society that profits from our insecurity.

Real motherhood means making mistakes daily. It means sometimes choosing your sanity over homemade meals. It means letting your kids watch more TV than you planned because you need fifteen minutes to breathe.

And you know what? Your kids will be fine. Better than fine - they’ll learn that their mom is human, which is actually a gift.

Why We Don’t Talk About the Hard Stuff

The Judgment Factor

Let’s be honest - admitting that motherhood is hard opens us up to judgment. Other moms might think we’re complaining. Family members might suggest we’re not grateful enough. Society tells us we should be “loving every minute” because “it goes so fast.”

So we smile and say “oh, it’s the best job in the world” while dying inside.

The Comparison Trap

When everyone around you seems to have it figured out, admitting you’re struggling feels like failure. But here’s the secret: they don’t have it figured out either. They’re just better at hiding it.

The Shame Spiral

We’ve been conditioned to believe that good mothers don’t struggle. That if we’re having a hard time, it means we’re doing something wrong. This shame keeps us isolated and suffering in silence.

Overwhelmed mother holding her head in stress while children cry and scream in background, depicting real motherhood challenges and parental burnout”

What Real Motherhood Actually Looks Like

Real motherhood is:

Crying in the shower because it’s the only place you can be alone
Feeling touched out by 10 AM but still giving hugs because your kids need them
Googling “am I a bad mom” more than you care to admit
Having deep, overwhelming love for your children while simultaneously fantasizing about running away
Doing your best with the resources you have, even when it doesn’t feel like enough
Making mistakes and learning to forgive yourself (over and over again)
Finding moments of pure joy in the chaos
Realizing that “good enough” is actually pretty great

How to Survive Real Motherhood

Give Yourself Permission to Struggle

The first step to surviving real motherhood is admitting that it’s hard. Stop trying to be grateful for every moment. Stop pretending you love every second. It’s okay to acknowledge that some parts of motherhood are really, really difficult.

Find Your People

You need other moms who will nod knowingly when you say “I lost it today” instead of offering unsolicited advice. Look for the moms who admit their struggles, not the ones who seem to have it all together.

Lower Your Standards (Seriously)

Perfect is the enemy of good enough. Your house doesn’t need to be spotless. Your kids don’t need homemade everything. You don’t need to be “on” all the time.

During one of my coaching sessions, I had a client who was exhausting herself trying to make elaborate lunches for her kids every day. When I asked why, she said “because good moms do that.” We worked on redefining what “good mom” actually means - and spoiler alert, it has nothing to do with Pinterest-worthy lunches.

Create Micro-Moments of Self-Care

Forget the bubble baths and spa days (though those are nice when possible). Real self-care for moms looks like:

Drinking your coffee while it’s still hot
Taking three deep breaths before responding to your kids
Saying no to things that drain you
Asking for help without apologizing

Get Professional Support When You Need It

Sometimes the struggle is bigger than normal adjustment difficulties. If you’re experiencing persistent anxiety, rage, or thoughts of harming yourself or your children, please reach out for help.

There’s a difference between the normal challenges of motherhood and clinical mental health concerns that need professional treatment. You deserve support, and getting help makes you a good mother, not a weak one.

Redefining What “Good Mother” Means

Here’s what I want you to know: you don’t have to be perfect to be a good mother. You don’t have to enjoy every moment. You don’t have to have it all figured out.

A good mother:

Shows up for her kids, even when she’s struggling
Admits her mistakes and tries to do better
Takes care of herself so she can take care of others
Loves her children fiercely, even on the hard days
Asks for help when she needs it
Models resilience and humanity for her kids

That’s it. That’s the list.

You’re Not Alone in This

If you’ve made it this far, I want you to know something: you’re not alone. Every mother reading this has felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and exhausted. We’ve all questioned whether we’re doing this right. We’ve all had moments we’re not proud of.

And we’ve all loved our children with a fierceness that surprises us, even on the days when we don’t like ourselves very much.

Real motherhood is hard. It’s messier than we expected, more overwhelming than we prepared for, and more isolating than we thought possible.

But it’s also more transformative, more meaningful, and more love-filled than we could have imagined.

You’re doing better than you think you are, mama. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when everything is falling apart. Even when you’re just trying to make it to bedtime.

That’s real motherhood. And it’s enough.

Feeling overwhelmed by the reality of motherhood?

You don’t have to navigate this alone. If you’re struggling with mom rage, anxiety, or feeling disconnected from yourself and your kids, I’m here to help. Try 24 hours of FREE coaching with me - because real motherhood is hard enough without doing it in isolation.

Ready to embrace the beautiful mess of real motherhood? Here are some next steps: